sneakyfeets:

andrewthepoet:

One time I went on a date to the Olive Garden and I ordered the seafood pasta. I open up one of the muscle oyster things and low and behold there is a tiny crab in there. I freak out and think it’s the craziest thing ever. I keep talking to my then girlfriend about this tiny crab. How hilariously wonderful it is that the little dude crawled in there in the ocean only to become a freaky little part of my pasta. She is very unamused and clearly wants me to shut the hell up about this tiny crab and be a normal person. She is 0% excited about the tiny crab. 
The waitress comes over eventually and is like ‘hey how’s the meal?’ and I’m like ‘awesome, but you gotta check this out! i found a tiny crab in here!’ and waitress freaks out and thinks its awesome. And she is like ‘can I take this to show everyone else?’ and I’m all like ‘hells yeah.’ So she does and everyone else that works there thinks it’s awesome.
Girlfriend SUPER annoyed.
The End.

dump her

sneakyfeets:

andrewthepoet:

One time I went on a date to the Olive Garden and I ordered the seafood pasta. I open up one of the muscle oyster things and low and behold there is a tiny crab in there. I freak out and think it’s the craziest thing ever. I keep talking to my then girlfriend about this tiny crab. How hilariously wonderful it is that the little dude crawled in there in the ocean only to become a freaky little part of my pasta. She is very unamused and clearly wants me to shut the hell up about this tiny crab and be a normal person. She is 0% excited about the tiny crab. 

The waitress comes over eventually and is like ‘hey how’s the meal?’ and I’m like ‘awesome, but you gotta check this out! i found a tiny crab in here!’ and waitress freaks out and thinks its awesome. And she is like ‘can I take this to show everyone else?’ and I’m all like ‘hells yeah.’ So she does and everyone else that works there thinks it’s awesome.

Girlfriend SUPER annoyed.

The End.

dump her

(via heart)


(via heart)


*throws tissue into trash can from two feet away*
me: BALLIN
me: BALL IS LIFE
me: BASKETBALL NEVER SLEEPS
me: KOBE TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES

mtchstrr:

sqauts-and-other-stupid-shit:

awwww-cute:

The face she gives me when she wants to get on the couch

Nooo

That puppy should be allowed on the couch.

mtchstrr:

sqauts-and-other-stupid-shit:

awwww-cute:

The face she gives me when she wants to get on the couch

Nooo

That puppy should be allowed on the couch.

(via officialwhitegirls)


fragileclara:

greybies:

who even came up with the word motherfucker in the first place?

oedipus

(via heart)


thestudentprincesss:

oh my god i just discovered a site where you can by bulk candy by color/flavor

you can buy two pounds of exclusively pink starbursts

you can buy endless red skittles

i never thought i’d see heaven

(via keekyluke)


blockchiken:

vanguard-of-courage:

blockchiken:

vinny-licious:

blockchiken:

alora-witch:

reeses-peixes:

prettyflyforaredspy:

raceagainstelegance:

suyedah:

a wallet that will never be stolen from your purse

omg

omfg

oh

that’s fucking brilliant

how, by putting a dollar in gift wrap?

"gift wrap"

i don’t get it

it’s not gift wrap

then what is it?

blockchiken:

vanguard-of-courage:

blockchiken:

vinny-licious:

blockchiken:

alora-witch:

reeses-peixes:

prettyflyforaredspy:

raceagainstelegance:

suyedah:

a wallet that will never be stolen from your purse

omg

omfg

oh

that’s fucking brilliant

how, by putting a dollar in gift wrap?

"gift wrap"

i don’t get it

it’s not gift wrap

then what is it?

(via officialwhitegirls)


zayn-payne:

Scott Mills phones Harry Styles to wish him a Happy Birthday pretending to be “Dial-a-Birthday”.

OH GOD THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER 

I AM CRYING OH MY GOD HAHAHAHAHA

Hello? Hello… Hello? Hello… Hello?

Oh my god. Hello? Huh? Hello… Hello…

Hello?

(via blessedbutlost)


the-big-phan-theory:

xace-oflight:

togetherwecanrecover:

sammneiland:


mybuttisaurus:


i-justreally-like-cats-okay:



Calming CAT!



oh my god it is calming


i think we could all use some calming cat right about now.


He’s back! Welcome back, calming cat. You are always welcome here.

Everyone should know of calming cat.

this is the thing that you have to tag because you’ll have to wait 8264589672 years to find it again

the-big-phan-theory:

xace-oflight:

togetherwecanrecover:

sammneiland:

mybuttisaurus:

i-justreally-like-cats-okay:

Calming CAT!

oh my god it is calming

i think we could all use some calming cat right about now.

He’s back! Welcome back, calming cat. You are always welcome here.

Everyone should know of calming cat.

this is the thing that you have to tag because you’ll have to wait 8264589672 years to find it again

(via social-slutterfly)


Teacher: What are you going to do after college?
Senior: I don't know.
Teacher: Well what are you passionate about?
Senior: I haven't had time to find my passion because I'm too busy preparing for tests/midterms/finals/the AP exam/ACT/SAT and having to write my college entry/scholarship/housing applications. Plus, I have homework.